Firestorm

I stand…alone in the preceding calm moments before the firestorm. Taking last opportunities to be open and absorbent…it may never be after this. That’s the possibility and that is enough to make me question my own strength. I knew it was only a matter of time…its like realizing there is only so much air left… so you just take your time…trying not to panic…but being as still as possible to enjoy and honor what it is you have. I felt the heat of the storm approaching…I seen it resting in the horizon…building…preparing to occupy and ravish the next space….to leave nothing more than ash ,debris and decay…maybe purified spirits. I know the potential….and I acknowledge my feelings, as well as your emotions…its terrifying and uncomforting…but necessary all the same.

I stand in conviction …self-assured…with secure thoughts that if there is no more…it was miraculous and righteous. That it was the highest expression of God and that no one can ever erase these moments from existence.

But I stand…confused and as if I have been given notice…using every ounce of my emotional strength not to break down and give in to the mounting weight of the unknown…the possible void. It is a pivotal moment…our equinox…and I respect its importance even as I prepare to face darts of fire. ..I want wholeness for you…I want solace and comfort for you…and growth…and ice cream. I’m so scared right now that I want to close up and run. Denounce what I feel…lie to myself and remember how easy it used to be. I see the storm coming and I think in a solar language that reveals my truth…that I must confront this storm…even at the likelihood of death. There is nothing romantic about it…but empowering. I proclaim ownership in this… bold and daring, I welcome the outcome, because it is to be, no matter my futile efforts. I just need one last moment…maybe I won’t get it… maybe you’ll fade into someone else’s dream and I’ll walk with only memories.

I can smell the firestorm… the stench of open wounds, the fragrance of overburned body oils…the odor of the future… and its poignancy is unbearable, but I remain positioned in the understanding of your needs…I open my arms…with my body defenseless and receptive to the unforgiving temperature…waiting to be devoured…as darts ablaze penetrate my skin…my bones…my veins and muscles…I stand accepting the pain…surrounded by the storm…the fire torments and eats my already punctured skin…I feel my body’s weakness emerging…but I continue to stand with the conviction of a born again Christian or converted Muslim…I know the storm can only last for so long…but how much can I endure…that I don’t know…I will stand until there is no more of me left to stand or until the storm is gone.

Either way…I can say I kissed her…I seen her…I hugged her…I touched her face…I gave myself to her…I learned how to “be” from her…I trusted her…I was loyal to her…I tasted her…I shared with her…I appreciated her…I reminded her…she reminded me…maybe I’m taking it too far…but I’m prepared… for whatever…in the eye of the firestorm I find the sweetest thoughts of you. I stand soaked in flames embracing the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life and it is ….the greatest feeling…. in the world.