Re: Birth

So I'm a horrible blogger. I always manage to busy myself with other random projects like: rehearsal, work, sitting on my porch, thinking...you know--life. But I felt compelled today. I am moving closer to 30 and had the opportunity to celebrate my bornday with some beautiful folks--my new extended family. It was a wine and waffle party, inspired by one friend and reimagined by another. I also received some very thoughtful and provocative gifts via snail mail(gotta love that shit!). All of which I want to publicly thank everyone for--rather your contribution was direct or indirect!![Question 1: Are you still in/out my life for the reasons you entered?]

This time of year is always sensitive for me, because (re)birth is a delicate moment in life. It is the period were we (re)enter this space and contribute our concentrated molecules to the socio-spiritual ecology of the planet/universe. The world is altered as a result and subsequent events work to continue the universal balancing. It is an honorable day for most, but for me it can be a bit of tear-jerker. I feel that I'm still reconciling...My need to finish healing my relationship with my biological parents is an issue that is illuminated ever year at this exact time. In fact, this year was the first time that my father EVER told me happy birthday! I'm still not sure how I feel about it...I'll have to get back to you. [Question 2: How do you heal/reconcile that which has produced so much pain?]

There are some that I care about who I didn't hear from and it made me wonder, has the season of our relationship passed? Is it worth broaching the topic? Or am I just overreacting?....truly a reflective day. There was a rush of emotions, traversing the continuum from sad to mad, happy to excited, dispossessed and tenuous--explosive and exhausting yesterday was(in my gangsta Yoda voice). That's why I sat/laid on my couch the WHOLE day. [Question 3: Where is this going?The way I feel about you is undeniable, even though its not always communicated clearly. Sorry, I know I'm fucked up, but I hope you find what you're looking/waiting for. I hope we find it simultaneously]

This year I want to love myself again. I want to love my family & friends more. I want to love HER better. I want to kiss the soil of my fore bearers. I want to remember/be reminded of/pay attention to why I am HERE everyday. I want to have my grits with catfish. I want to continue becoming the man that my grandfather raised me to be, that my father wanted to be, that my brother admires in me. I want to be fearless, passionate and purposeful. And I want to learn how to live the life my ancestors prayed/wished/hoped for me. I just want to BE THANKFUL! I learned that from a Fallen Angel, obrigada.

Until next time--stay sucka free.

F.Negro